Keep on Swimming

People ask me all the time: "how are you doing Katie?"   and I usually give my standard answer: "I'm hanging in there."  What do you say when you feel like you are fighting for your life?  How do you convey, while you pass a friend in the hallways at work, all the complex emotions that you are feeling.  How do you burden others with your own pain and fears?  One day at work, when I was feeling tired and run-down, a friend asked me how I was doing and I told her: "I'm here."  She looked at me and said "keep on swimming - keep on swimming." Many of you will know the reference - Dora, in "Finding Nemo" says it when she is feeling lost and doesn't know what to do; she says to herself over and over again "keep on swimming - keep on swimming."  That's how I feel on most days.  That's why I still insist on going to work on days I don't feel well - it isn't because I am so strong - no - I just need to keep on swimming.  I need to go about my everyday life like it is every day.  It is so easy to let cancer consume your life  - your every thought.  But you can't.  You have to keep going.  Keep living even on the roughest days.

Today I had an experience unlike any other I have ever had.  The ladies at my church asked me if they could have a Healing Service for me.  I felt honored but I had no idea how it would impact me.  As I sat, with a circle of family and friends surrounding me, while they all shared a common prayer - for God to physically heal me - I felt overwhelmed.  I felt their hands on me and felt their love.  I heard their prayers and I felt their hope.  For a minute I felt like I didn't have to keep on swimming.  I felt like I could sit there and cry and acknowledge how scary and uncertain my life is. In that moment I silently begged God to save me but I also asked him to give me strength to keep going - to keep fighting.  It was an amazing service and something that I will never forget. 

As I sit here and type this I feel tired from the hectic activities of the weekend.  I'm tired, but ready to take my kids to my parents' house tomorrow and have another great day.  I don't know if the Healing Service will heal me - I have a strong faith but I don't know what God's plan is for me.  What I do know is that no matter what, God continues to answer my prayers.  He continues to give me strength to keep going and living each day to the fullest.  So the next time you see me and I look like I'm having a rough day - please don't worry - just give me a smile and say: "keep on swimming."

What do I put for hair color?

I really must be the worst blogger ever because I post so infrequently.  Today's post isn't earth-shattering...just something small and trivial weighing on my mind, but here goes...

I was cleaning out my wallet last night and taking a good look at my driver's license.  I was thinking about how different I looked in my picture with my long "blond" hair when I noticed the expiration date on the card...February 24, 2012.  Oh, no.  My license expires this year!  Naturally the first thing that came to mind was my lack of hair.  They won't normally let you get your picture taken with a hat on...what about a scarf?  Surely they won't make me pose bald.  I don't own a wig because they are hot and itchy.  And what am I supposed to put for hair color?  I have no idea what color my hair will be when it finally grows back in some day.  What do they do for bald men?  Write "none" for hair color? Or do they actually write "bald."  I know this all sounds so trivial but I show my license all the time.  All my cards say "ask for ID." I can lie about my weight, I can lie about my hair color if it is dyed, but pictures don't lie. 

Who cares...I know...but I care.  Not because I am vain but because it is just another reminder that I'm not healthy.  I try so hard, every day to keep a grasp on the "normalcy" of my life.  I try to take care of my kids, to continue taking them to their activities, and play with them when they want attention.  I try to cook and take care of my husband as best I can.  I still go to work each day and try to remain upbeat for the children I help teach.  I try, even on my sickest days, to still look my best despite my lack of hair and swelling.  I try to not let Cancer run my life.  I don't want it to own me.  The license is just another ugly reminder that Cancer is all too real in my life.  An ugly reminder that I might die.  No one wants to say it out loud but we are all thinking it...this cancer could kill me.  I am optimistic that it won't...but there are no guarantees.  I don't need another constant reminder of this unknown.

So, yes.  I am more than a little annoyed by the timing of the expiration of my license.  Maybe I should go get a sexy red-head wig just for the photo.  Who knows, maybe then the next time my license goes to expire I will be annoyed, not because I still don't have hair, but because my real hair isn't nearly as great as my "red-head" days.

BELIEVE in Their Potential

I could see his mouth moving but all I could hear were the same words repeated over and over again in my heard: “mental retardation.” I flew through a series of emotions in rapid succession – confusion, sadness, anger – maybe I had misunderstood him. I stopped him mid-sentence: “Did you just say that Will is mentally retarded?” He confirmed that he had. I fired more questions at him: “Where did you come up with that diagnosis?” He explained to me that during the 20 minute testing session he had done with Will he had acquired an IQ score that placed him in the range of mental retardation. I was furious! I had witnessed this so-called IQ test and it was a joke. He had asked Will questions without first getting his attention and then he had expected verbal responses from my non-verbal son. I left the meeting enraged. This was the school psychologist and this report would now be a part of Will’s permanent file. I won’t sign it, I thought, as I drove home with the report in hand. How dare he assign an IQ to my son after only spending a few minutes with him? What qualifies him to diagnosis my son as being mentally retarded when he isn’t even a doctor? Why can’t he see Will’s tremendous potential?

Sure, I am biased because I am Will’s Mom, but I knew my son wasn’t mentally retarded. Yes, some children with Autism also struggle with mental retardation, but not Will. The next day I had an appointment with Will’s neurologist and I was eager to tell her about the school’s diagnosis. She was equally concerned. First of all, a non-verbal child should be given a Non-Verbal IQ Test (yes, there are a few). Second, this Non-Verbal IQ Test should be administered by someone who has been trained specifically to perform the test. Third, there was no need for the school to assign Will an IQ score. Will’s doctor went on to explain to me that this label could be very dangerous for my son’s academic future. Once a school assigns a student the label of mental retardation they often shift his curriculum to focus more on life skills and less on academics. In other words, Will would be learning how to dress himself and not how to write his name. Even though Will attended a private Autism school, our school district was still involved in developing and approving his IEP (Individual Education Plan) each year. She urged me to demand that this diagnosis be removed from the ETR document before I sign it. To make a long story short…I did…and they did. This story is from my previous district - not my current one.  I think you can see why we weren't too sad to leave them.

But indifferent or incompetent school administrators aren’t the only ones capable of underestimating a child’s potential; sometimes, even loving and devoted parents can allow fear to place road blocks in front of their child’s progress. When Jessica was three-and-a -half, I enrolled her in a YMCA dance class. Since she loved to shake and wiggle with her Sesame Street friends, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for her to participate in an activity with typical peers. I was so excited for her first lesson. She made it about fifteen minutes, which was actually about ten minutes more than she really deserved. She loved dancing, but had no skills to follow directions. She did not even respond to her own name, and chaos ensued as she ran wildly around the small studio. Six months later I thought she was ready to try again. I wanted to sign her up for group swim lessons; confident in her success since we had been working diligently with her teachers and tutors on her “following directions” skills. But Bill was extremely skeptical. He was afraid that she would again be disruptive to the class, and he added that he wasn’t really “in the mood for a setback.” But I persisted. I know that he only wanted to protect her from disappointment, but I explained that I could see her doing well. Like all married couples, we have our disagreements, but they usually end before they start. One of us senses that the other is determined, and in this case, I was very adamant. I knew she could succeed. And she did! I watched her proudly as she sat at the edge of the pool with her typical peers and listened intently to the directions she was given…well, as intently as any four-year-old listens.

Whether you have a child with Autism or not, with 1 in 110 children being diagnosed with Autism we are ALL going to interact with them throughout our lives.  Take a minute and look at that child. Really look at him – not as how he is right now, but how he will be in the future. See him making progress. See him communicating. See him living independently as an adult. We have to believe that these things are going to happen; otherwise, they never will. I know that not all children with Autism are the same nor is their individual potential, but they all have potential for progress. Believe that. When I look at my two children I see very different futures for them, but one very important piece is the same – I see them both advanced far beyond where they are today. I see Will living independently working outdoors with animals. I see Jessica as a highly driven, successful professional who lives by her own terms. I can close my eyes and see their futures and I truly believe it is attainable. Whether my vision will become reality, I can only guess, but I will do all I can to help them meet their potential. I have surrounded them with people who believe in their abilities, people who will push them to achieve, people who support them on the most difficult days, people who see them as happy adults, just as I do. It is very easy to focus on all the deficits these children have: Will isn’t talking; Jessica is overly rigid and non-compliant; but it is important to only let these deficits fuel our drive and determination – don’t let them deter us.

Til Death Do Us Part

I know I'm the worst blogger ever because my posts are so far and few between...sorry.

Republicans and Democrats have always argued and disagreed - that's why they are separate parties.  They have very different core values and beliefs about how our great country should be run.  That, by itself, is not a bad thing.  Through debate new ideas are formed and old ideas are solidified.  Although I am a strong conservative Republican I don't believe that all Democrats are inherently evil.  I don't think they want to ruin our country or destroy the traditional family unit but I do think that some of their beliefs and ideologies would inadvertently do just that.  I know that some of my Democrat friends would say the exact same thing about me.  This has been the case for as long as we have had a two party system (sorry but I only count the two parties since there are the only REAL options). 

For some reason people have their panties all in a bunch lately about this debate.  There is fear that our differences are tearing us apart as a country.  I would totally disagree.  I think that people on both sides are angry and scared about the the same thing - the state of our great nation.  People need jobs.  People are scared about our national debt.  Money problems are the biggest strain on a relationship.  Let's look at marriage.  Most couples who are struggling financially will also tell you that they are feeling a strain on their marriage.  Money problems make us feel insecure, angry, and resentful.  We place blame where there is none.  As money gets tighter our fears and feelings of despair increase.  As a couple we fight more - and talk less.  Tempers are short and some marriages just can't withstand the strain.  Now think of our country.  If money problems can destroy what is supposed to be the most sacred of unions, what makes us think that our societal relationship isn't going to suffer when we are struggling financially as a nation?  Again, our tempers are high and we place blame where sometimes there is none.  But, just as strong marriages can withstand this strain, so too can our strong country.  We will get through this.  We may disagree on how we are going to get through this, but I have faith that we will.

So, there is always going to be debate between the two parties and there are always going to be "wackos" who do horrible things in the name of party loyalty - that's a given.  (To continue the analogy, there will always be a handful of people who kill their spouses - it doesn't mean that marriage itself is in a state of crisis.) Right now, I think we need to acknowledge that we are suffering as a nation.  We are scared about the future and this fear makes our debates even more passionate.  Republicans believe strongly that they know how to save this great nation - I would agree with them.  Democrats believe strongly that they know how to save this great nation - I have friends who would agree with them.  We have to keep trying.  We must stay passionate about finding solutions. The most important thing of all is to save this marriage.

More than just a Grandpa

When I was a small child we would go over my grandparents house and play.  At the time we lived in the same town, LaPorte, Indiana and my Mom's parents lived out in the country on several acres of land.  As a kid I never really noticed that the place was "run down" or unkept; all I knew was that I loved going out there because there was always kittens or puppies in one of the out-buildings and there were tons of abandoned cars and trucks out back to play in.  As an adult I realize that it was really a kind of junk-yard but as a kid you don't really notice those kinds of things.  As a kid, I thought that was pretty awesome.  All I knew about my Grandpa at that point was that he was always there in a pair of dirty work pants and a white t-shirt working on something in the big garage out back.  He was a bit rough but I loved that he would let me go get him a PBR from the fridge and sometimes, if Mom wasn't around, he'd even let me have the first sip.  He was just "Grandpa" and that's all I knew. 

When I was in 3rd grade we moved to Wisconsin and then to Iowa and on and on.  Our visits to LaPorte became far and few between and my relationship with my Grandpa, since he never came with Grandma when she drove to visit us, became non-existent.  We lost my Grandma when I was in college and my Mom and Grandpa had a falling out.  I won't go into the personal family details because it isn't important.  They reconciled a few years ago and I got the chance to see my Grandpa once or twice when I visited my Aunts in LaPorte.  By then he was a old man - still rough around the edges but what can I say, he was still just "Grandpa." 

Walter Becker - Grandpa - passed away peacefully in his sleep last week.  When I read the bio that my Aunt wrote about him I was stunned.  I had heard a little bit about his time in the military and knew that he had been a POW but I didn't really know the whole story.  I guess he was more than just a "Grandpa" after all...

Walter Becker was born in Cismar, Germany and came to America with his parents when he was about 1 years old. He grew up in Chicago and when he was about 17 he and his family moved to a farm in Hamlet, Indiana. As a young boy in Chicago he learned to play the drums and was a part of the Drum and Bugle Corps for years. He continued to enjoy playing the drums as an adult when he participated in a Senior Citizen’s Band. He often shared these memories with his grandson Steven, who is carrying on his fondness for playing the drums.

He and his late wife Maryalice were married for 47 years and raised 7 children. They were both active members of Tracy Immanuel Lutheran Church. As an involved member of the community he was a Boy Scout leader, a member of the Lion’s club, and one of his proudest memories, over 45 years of continued service to the Kingsbury Volunteer Fire Department.

As a WWII POW vet he was a lifetime member of the American Legion.

He, his sister Clara, and their brother Bill all served their country during WWII. Walter received numerous citations for "exceptionally meritorious conduct" as well as a purple heart for his services as a radio operator, maintaining communication with his commanding officer while under cross fire of 3 enemy machine guns allowing their patrol to advance aggressively across open terrain to obtain valuable information. He was wounded, captured, and sent to a German prison camp.

He was very proud of his service to his country and shared his stories with his family of his time in the war and his 18 months as a POW. He saw a sign in the prison camp asking for volunteer prisoners to go to a prison work farm and he convinced his 4 "city" buddies to go with him as he told them "it’s a farm we will be able to get food there" as they had none at the time. When he arrived at the prison farm there were 70 other prisoners there who were weak and sick as they had not been able to eat. The man who was in charge of running the farm had been sent to fight in the war and no one was left who knew how to care for the farm. Walter quickly repaired the tractors, mowed the hay so they could feed the cows, and showed them how to dig up the crops that were in the field. He survived 18 months as a POW and when the day came for them to leave the camp he was placed by the German guards at the front of the line and he led the march with his 70 fellow prisoners across Germany to LaHarve, France not knowing where they were going. When they arrived there they were given mattresses to sleep on for the first time in 2 years, a real meal, and then as he looked up from his food he stood up at attention bringing the other 70 men to their feet at the site of General Eisenhower who was there to thank them for their sacrifice for their country and to inform them that the war was over for them and that they were finally going home.

While he was committed to serving his country and his community, his life was spent providing and caring for his family as an excavator and eventually owner/operator of Becker Excavating. He will be remembered as a loving husband, father, and grandfather.

(written by Mary Becker "Aunt TT")

Rest in peace Grandpa


*Katie, my Mom, Will, and Grandpa

More than a day of eating turkey

The other morning I was driving Jessica to Kindergarten and I asked her: "What holiday do we celebrate in November?"  She quickly answered: "Thanksgiving."  I started to explain that Thanksgiving is about more than just turkey and Mommy's yummy noodles - it is about being thankful for all that we have in our lives.  I went on to say that I am thankful for my family.  She quickly jumped in: "I'm thankful for my family too, and my friends, and my school, and Mrs. G, and my books, and my toys, and Jesus, and my dog, and my ...." and the list went on until we reached her school.  I've been thinking about those few minutes since then and wondering how we lose that innocent appreciation for all the blessings we have in our lives.  She was so genuine in creating that list and, more importantly, she didn't have to struggle to find things to list.  It was like she was looking at her life and listing everything that was a part of it as a blessing to be thankful for. 


As we head into the holidays most of us are filled with a mixture of feelings.  We are excited about seeing family and friends but we dread the logistics of fitting it all into the limited time that most of  us have.  We are excited about holiday parties and gift exchanges, but we are stressed about the financial burdens that they can cause.  But some people don't have a mixture of feelings as they head into this wonderful time of year.  Sadly, there are many people among us who can only feel despair.  Earlier this month I learned about a local family who is heading into this amazing holiday season completely devastated by tragedy.  In this family, the wife and mother of six young children, just lost a very sudden battle with cancer.  That poor man...those poor children.  I'm sure creating a list of things to be thankful for would be a little difficult for them right now. 


I'm not trying to be a downer - quite the opposite.  I just want everyone to take a pause as they head into this hectic holiday season and look around them.  Try to see your life with the innocent eyes of a child.  See your family as a blessing; see your friends as a priceless treasure ; see your home, car, clothes, and "toys" as true gifts.  I received an email yesterday from the head coach of Jessica's special needs cheerleading squad.  She is an amazing woman.  She has a young daughter with special needs and just adopted Anthony, a little boy from China. Here is what she wrote: 

"I would like to share what I am thankful for this year on Thanksgiving. I am thankful first for God and our country, we are so fortunate to live in the Unites States of America. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways and I look to him to guide my life. I am thankful for my family who makes me want to work so hard for them and make them happy and safe every day, they make me smile and fill my heart with joy. I am thankful for the new addition to our family. Anthony has already made a difference in all of our lives and I pray we make a difference in his. I am thankful for my team and my coaches and parents. You all inspire me everyday with your attitudes, patience and support! I am thankful for the Golden Key who has already made a difference and improved children's lives and accepted and included and loved them no matter what their disability. I am thankful for all of my friends who I don't get to say it enough but I love you and appreciate you very much as you put up with me pushing you to make the world a better place. I am thankful for American Elite as the gym welcomed our team with open arms and we are now in our 5th year.  I would like to ask you to also write down and email to all what you are thankful for! It really makes your heart smile when you realize just how lucky we are and how blessed we are!" (Coach Kathy)

I wasn't the only one who thought her email was inspiring...the responses started pouring in.  I'll share mine:

"Sadly, for each and every one of us, our lives are filled with challenges.  Some have more than others but none of us is given a free pass from life's struggles.  It can be so easy to become so overwhelmed with these obstacles that we lose sight of the many blessings that each and every one of us has in our lives.  God is good.  He doesn't promise to give us an easy life but he is always there when we need to renew our strength.  I am thankful for Kathy and the impact she has made on my life.  She is a true example of how a Christian should live.  Her generosity is endless and her leadership is inspiring.  I am thankful for my country where children like ours have a chance at a meaningful and productive life.  I am thankful for the men and women who give their lives to protect this great country of ours and I acknowledge the sacrifice that their entire families are making so that my family can be safe.  I am thankful I have a husband who continues to make me feel beautiful even on my most exhausted days.  I am thankful for my children who fill my life with immeasurable joy.  I am thankful for my parents and siblings whose support has made my life more manageable.  I am thankful for all the doctors, therapists, and tutors who work so hard to help my children reach their potential.  I am thankful.  I am thankful.  I am thankful.  I am thankful for all the countless blessings that I have.  Happy Thanksgiving." (Katie Cunion)

I encourage you to follow Kathy's lead and share what you are thankful for.  You can post it as a comment to this blog.  When you stop and really think about your life, you might be surprised just how many things you have to be thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I want to kiss you!

Last week I had to take Will to cheerleading practice with me and Jessica.  Bill had a late meeting on campus and was unable to do our usual "hand-off" at the gym.  Will was surprisingly good.  It was a little loud for him so he plugged his ears but he was obedient and followed my directions to sit nicely.  We had just finished our opening stretches and Will was on the mat with us.  A young girl on the squad - who is about 2 years older than Will and has always reminded me of him with her self-absorbed stares, difficulty following directions, and lack of social interaction - came over to us and smiled sweetly at my little man. "Is this your boy" she asked?  I'd been an assistant coach for over a year now and had never heard her say more than a few words so this interaction surprised me.  "Yes, his name is Will.  Say 'hi' Will." "Hi."  Again she smiled sweetly at him and it hit me...she thinks he's cute. 

Throughout the rest of practice she would periodically "show up" beside us with a smile but as practice was ending she came over and squatted down beside him and said: "I want to kiss you."  I smiled at her and said: "O.K. sweetie - that is very nice but no kissing at cheerleading practise, O.K?.  Say goodbye to Will and maybe you'll see him at another practice."

What a sweet story, right?  But it has stuck with me for over a week now.  We had practice again last night and I didn't take Will this time.  I found myself watching this girl and wondering, will she ever find someone that will love her despite her disabilities?  What about Will?  He is the kindest, most loving individual I have ever met in my entire life.  He has the purest heart with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives.   Will he ever find someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved?  Someone who will help take care of him and look after him.  There is so much that we parents of special needs children have to worry about on a daily basis that I don't think we really focus too much thought on our children's future love-life, but after last week's practice it's been chewing away at my brain.  I think about all that I have been able to experience in my life: my first kiss, going to the prom, hearing "I love you," getting married, having children... and I wonder, Will my children experience those things.  I'm pretty sure Jessica will.  Holy Cow - you have to try to distract that child from her love of boys and she's only 5!  But will she be a target with her beautiful face and strong desire to be liked?  Will I be able to make her understand what is appropriate "interactions" between boys and girls and what isn't?  Will I be able to protect her?

But my fears for Will somehow seem scarier.  I guess because I have always been afraid to be alone and therefore, never have been.  The thought of him being alone someday seems unimaginable.  But he's not me.  Maybe he'll never have the desire for that type of a relationship in his life.  Or maybe he'll meet someone who will see him for who he really is - a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.   I might be a little biased but I think he's a good catch!

The Soundtrack of my Life

I was charging my IPod and I got to thinking about how important music is in my life.  You see, I'm one of those people that if given the choice would choose blindness over deafness solely because the thought of a life without music is unimaginable to me.  I'm not one of those "music snobs" that only listens to classical or only listens to jazz...nope... I love it all (well, not the really heavy medal stuff where they are screaming vicious rants that can barely be understood - but that's probably because I don't really consider that music, but I digress...).  For me, the "type" of music I listen to at any given time, completely depends on my emotional state.  Am I sad?  Am I feeling sexy?  Am I angry?  Am I happy?  The right song can completely change my mood for the better or solidify it for the worse.   If you were to listen to my IPod right now you would be amazed at just how random the songs are, but they each fit a different emotional need, and I change the songs on my IPod accordingly.  But I started wondering, what are my favorite songs?  If I look at my ITunes "play count" I can see which songs have been played the most, but are they really my favorites?  I can think of a song right now that isn't even on my ITunes but is definitely in my top 10.   So I think for today I am going to list my ITune Top 10 Play Count Songs, and than my Top 10 Songs of All Time.  What do you think? 

ITunes Top 10 Play Count
1. Bring on the Rain: Jo Dee Messina
2. We are Family: Sister Sledge
3. Stand: Rascal Flatts
4. Wanted: Jessie James
5. You're Gonna Love Me: Little Big Town
6. See You Again: Miley Cryus
7. You're Not Sorry (CSI Remix): Taylor Swift
8. The More Boys I Meet: Carrie Underwood
9. The Lucky One: Alisson Kraus
10. 9 to 5: Dolly Parton

Top 10 +2 Songs of All Time (in no special order)
1. We Are Family: Sister Sledge
2. Seize The Day: Carolyn Arends
3. What a Wonderful World: Louis Armstrong
4. Bring on the Rain: Jo Dee Messina
5. I Will Be Here: Seven Curtis Chapman
6. Remember Me: Mark Schultz
7. Cheek to Cheek: Jane Monheit
8. Somewhere Over the Rainbow: 50 First Dates Version
9. World: Five for Fighting
10. Better Man: Pearl Jam
11. Adore: Prince
12. Let's Get it On: Marvin Gaye

Wow...that was hard.  There are several other songs that feel like they belong on this list too, but...I'm going to leave it at that.

Happy listening everyone!

The Silver Lining

"Are you Kathryn?" I slowly turned around to see two police officers standing beside my minivan. "Ahh, yes officer I am." "We received a call from a customer complaining that you had parked in the handicapped space without a placard. Now I see the placard on the floor of the van - it must have just fallen when you tried to hang it up, but they were also complaining about how you parked." I took a few steps back to look at my parking job. Holy Cow! Which spot had I been aiming for? Or was I not aiming at all? There were two handicapped spots with a smaller spot in between them with stripes to give each spot a little extra room. I had parked with my van mostly in that striped spot but angled so that my front end was taking up a small part of the spot on the right and my rear end was taking part of the spot on the left. I looked back at the two officers who were studying me intently - probably trying to figure out if I was drunk. "We were paging you throughout the store but you didn't answer so we decided to wait out here by the car." They had been paging my name throughout Giant Eagle? Was I that exhausted that I actually walked through the store unaware that my own name was being loudly paged overhead? "I'm so sorry. I'm usually a good driver - I'm just reeeealy tired right now. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night." Probably because I looked like death warmed over, they cautiously studied me some more and then said: "O.K. just drive safely home."

Yep, it has finally come to that. I am so sleep deprived that I am walking, and apparently driving, around like a complete zombie. Bill keeps a sleep chart on the children because they both have sleep problems and the data helps their doctor. In any case, looking back over the data for September to the present, it is no wonder I can barely function these days. Bill and I try to share the overnight responsibilities but since our move I have been trying to take on more of them since Bill makes a long commute. He used to do the same when I was the one with the long commute. In any case, let me share some data with you to give you an idea of what I am talking about...

Let's take a look back:
Sept 1 up at 4:00
Sept 3 up at 3:45
Sept 5 up at 2:15
Sept 6 up at 1:30
Sept 7 up at 4:00
Sept 9 up at 2:00
Sept 11 up at 3:00
Sept 14 up at 4:00
Sept 16 up at 4:00
Sept 18 up at 3:00
Sept 21 up at 12:30
Sept 22 up at 2:30
Sept 24 up at 3:30
Sept 25 up at 3:00
Sept 26 up at 3:30
Sept 27 up at 4:00
Oct 2 up at 1:00
Oct 4 up at 2:00
Oct 6 up at 1:15

Just for the record, we count any night where my son sleeps past 5:00 a success and he NEVER sleeps past 6:30. The parking "problem" happened on October 6th. I had gone to bed at 10:30 only to be woken up by Jessica around 11:00 because she was "sleep walking." She was pretty fitful so it took me until about 12:30 to get her peacefully sleeping again. I had just fallen back asleep when Will woke up. So now we know why my brain was mush when I was attempting to park my car.

For most of you reading, this blog entry is just another "poor Katie" moment, but that's not why I wrote it. This post is for the many readers who just said: "wow, I'm not alone." Sometimes when I am following Will around at 2 in the morning I feel so alone. Not in the physical sense, but alone in my daily struggles. At those moments I force myself to remember that there are countless Moms out there who are just like me - sleep deprived, financially strapped, and terrified about the unknown future. I feel sad for their struggles, but also comforted to know that I am not alone in mine. I know that things will get better - I will eventually get to sleep, I will someday start a savings, and the children will one day become more independent. But in the meantime, I will continue to try to make the most of those early hours with snuggles, tickles, and if I'm lucky, a little leisure reading. Sometimes it is hard to find that silver lining but if we look hard enough, it is always there.

                   The Silver Lining!    

Think Before You "Speak"

I was thinking some more about my last blog about bullying and its link to technology, and it got me thinking about texting, emailing, posting on Facebook and Twitter...you get the point. Let me be the first to admit that I love Facebook. I love that I can keep in touch with people that I would otherwise probably lose track of. I love emailing, because it is a much more time efficient way of communicating and it also allows for editing - can't really edit a live conversation. I don't text, but that's only because the hubby thinks it is a waste of money so it's not on my cell plan:) But, like a lot of good things, the use of communication technology has also brought with it some consequences.

People now feel comfortable "saying" things via a post or text or email, that they would NEVER say in person. It doesn't take guts to post online: "OMG, Mrs. Smith is such a fat @#!$&. I can't believe I have her for Math class this year." People feel braver to be rude, thoughtless, or even malicious when the face-to-face component is taken out. Unfortunately this doesn't only apply to young people; although their fragile sense of self is at a higher risk of being destroyed by someone's thoughtlessness. "Grown-ups," and I use that term loosely, have also become seduced by the feeling of fearlessness that communication technology gives. For once, I am going to try to keep this blog brief. We need to lead by example. If we want young people to be kinder to their peers than we need to do the same. When I was growing up my parents would always tell me and my siblings to "think before you speak." All I'm asking you to do is to stop, before you send that email or before you post that blog, and think about whether you would actually "say" those things out loud? Would you actually say what you are writing to someone? If the answer is no - hit delete!

Bullies: Wielding Their Mighty Swords

Many of you have heard the horrible story about the young man at Rutgers University who committed suicide. His roommate posted a video online of him involved in a gay encounter with another man. Within a matter of seconds everyone knew. Everyone. For me this story isn't really about homosexuality but instead about a growing problem we have in this country with bullying. As I thought about this awful story over the past few days I started wondering why...why are we hearing so many more stories of young people ending their lives over bullying? Bullying has been around forever, right? So what has changed?

For my generation - remember back to when we were in junior high or high school. There were kids that got teased and picked on, right? Kids that were different. Whether you were a part of that teasing or not, think about "how" that teasing or bullying was done. Through verbal exchanges at school. Through gossiping on the phone in the evening if your parents allowed you to have a phone in your room. And through the most popular method, passing notes in class. Wow - passing notes. Now think about today's generation. If they want to make some one's life a living hell all they have to do is post nasty comments on myspace or twitter or facebook or....you get the point. The bullies of today can wield their mighty swords in a more profound way. They are going to be able to cut much deeper than we ever could.

I think a little bit of teasing and getting picked on is a natural part of growing up. Call me old fashioned. I think it is a part of adolescence that no one is exempt from. Even the most popular kids are subject to the occasional jab. But maybe today's teens are meaner or more self-absorbed (I think so) but maybe not. Maybe kids are bullied more aggressively (I think so) but maybe not. Either way, that's not the problem. The problem is the way the bullying is done. If someone passes a nasty note about "Joe" and "Kevin" caught kissing behind the school building, that note reaches one person. Then you have to wait for the gossip mill to pass the info along. Even when it does finally reach everyone - there's nothing tangible there. No video, no photos, no blog. But, if someone posts a video of "Joe" and "Kevin" kissing everyone knows immediately and even worse yet - now there is proof.

So what can we do about this? How can we, as a society, cut down on the senseless bullying-induced suicides that we have been hearing about? Corporations have sensitivity training but young people are much too immature to get the value of something like that. If anything, it would probably just fuel the fire. "Oh, poor Joe and Kevin. We're sorry you feel so misunderstood. Let's just all be friends." I can practically hear the sarcastic dialogue in my head. Then what? We can't take away the Internet. Like it or not, technology is only going to get bigger and better and young people are going to continue to be drawn to it.

It feels like this is the point in my blog where I'm supposed to say: "here's what we need to do" - but I honestly don't know. I think of my own kids and the likelihood that they will be the target of bullying someday because they are different. Especially Jessica whose whole world, already at age 5, revolves around (1) boys and (2)having friends and being liked. How devastated would she be if someone decided to play a "joke" and have a boy pretend to like her, only in the end for all their emails to be shared online for everyone to laugh at. How would she react? As a parent, all I can hope for is that she and I have the kind of relationship where she feels like she can talk to me. I remember running home after school and telling my mom all about my day. In high school she knew who everyone was dating; what the latest gossip was; in general, she was involved. Sometimes she had to pry it out of me, but she always "knew" when something wasn't right with me. She "knew" when I broke up with a boyfriend or when I was fighting with my friends. She paid attention. And I know she wasn't above reading notes she'd find laying around. "Privacy rights" were different with my generation. All I can hope for is that I am that kind of mom. It may not be an answer to our problems as a society, but right now, it's all I've got.

O-H-I-O

"So, where are you from?" Such a simple question and one that is among most people's list of "small talk" starters. I've always struggled with this one because we moved so much while I was growing up. I was born in LaFayette, Indiana but moved to LaPorte, Indiana before the age of one. My family stayed there until I was 7, although I'll be honest, I don't have too many vivid memories from those early years and have never really considered myself a Hoosier. Next stop was Watertown, Wisconsin. Cute little town with a large German population. We stayed for about a year or so then moved on to Camanche, Iowa...not one of my favorite pit-stops along this journey. Luckily we only stayed there for a year then moved back to LaPorte, Indiana for a few months. The next move would be a good one...Mentor, Ohio. We moved the summer before my 6th grade year and we stayed all the way through my graduation, moving within days of commencement. My family moved to an adorable town called Hershey, Pennsylvania for a short period of time then on to Naperville, Illinios but for me these were only places to come home to on school breaks since I went on to Ohio University...Ohio remained my "home."

Awwww, OU! Now that was four amazing years! A recent article in the Plain Dealer really got me thinking about my time in Athens. My older sister attended OU and during a "Little Sibs" weekend I fell in love with all the cute shops & restaurants on Court Street and, let's be honest, the very active night-life. Keeping the tradition going, both of my younger brothers would also become Bobcats. There really isn't any place quite like OU. The campus is gorgeous and it really feels like you are in a world of your own since the school is nestled in the Appalachian hills of Ohio. My time at OU created some of my happiest memories and I've loved every chance I've gotten to go back and visit.

I graduated and got married and followed my husband to Illinois for 3 years but I was always eager to return back to Ohio...and we did. I guess I never really realized just how much I love Ohio until recently, when my sister moved back from Chicago. I found myself saying: "I'm so glad you've moved back home," and it hit me...THIS is where I'm "from." There are many gorgeous places in the world and I hope to have the opportunity to travel someday and experience all that they have to offer, but moving around as a child made me long for a place where I could put down roots - and that's what I'm doing.

So, I think the next time someone asks me where I'm from I'll simply say: "I was born in Indiana but Ohio has always been my home.



P.S. Hey Sibs - I think it's time for another trip to good old OU. Court Street is calling!

From furious to thankful

So I'm guessing my last entry was a little difficult for people to read because I haven't received a fraction of the comments that I usually do. I understand. What are you suppose to say, right? I get it. What was interesting to me though, was all of the amputees that have contacted me after viewing the cheerleading video on youtube and following the link to my blog. Side note: I have posted quite a few videos on youtube ranging in topics from autism, cancer, family fun...but I have NEVER gotten even close to the number of hits I am receiving now because the tag includes "cheerleading." It has been posted for two days and already has over 2,000 hits. Really guys??

Anyways...one of the contacts I received from youtube was a young woman in her early 20s who just lost her leg above the knee 4 months ago due to a car accident. She asked if she could email me some questions. Eager to help a fellow member of the amputee club I said yes and gave her my email. She sent me a long list of questions with a wide range of topics. What really struck me though was her last question:

"Here's a tricky one----how do you deal with guys? Did you lose your leg before or after you met your husband? If after, how did you tell guys you have an artificial leg? This is awkward for me to ask (and feel free not to answer it), but does your leg get in the way when you are close to a guy?"

This question almost broke my heart. As a woman - I get it. Publicly incorrect or not - deep down, most women know that it matters how they look. I was blessed to lose my leg after I was married but I was still nervous about whether he would find me as attractive as he did before. I knew he'd love me just as much - he's a good man - but what if the sight of my residual limb repulsed him? It wouldn't be his fault really. So after I read this woman's question I felt guilty for my belly-aching in my last blog. Yes, I have struggles but I'm not alone. I'm not out there trying to find someone to love me despite my disability. I said I would run again, but what if I don't? In the scheme of things does it really matter? No. It doesn't. I have a loving family. A family that has been there with me since the day I received the news that I would lose my leg. A family that has frustrated me at times because they try to limit what I do, but only because they are worried about me getting hurt - physically and emotionally. Being that loved is not too bad of a problem to have.

So, I still reserve the right to get angry when my leg interferes with my life, but I will always try to stay focused on the fact that - at the end of the day - I really am blessed.

I almost retired my pom poms today!

I was actually running! I couldn't believe it. Granted it had only been two strides but I can't describe how great it felt, until...I went flying through the air. Yep, I had tripped. When I went to plant my artificial leg and push off the ground to lift my real leg I didn't realize that the fake knee was still slightly bent - can't bear weight on a bent artificial knee because it just bends - so the knee bent and threw me forward. I hit the ground hard. The brief feeling of freedom that I felt was gone. It had been replaced by a feeling of being trapped - trapped inside a body with limitations - a body that, at that moment, I hated.

I'd been thinking about learning how to run for months. Other above-the-knee amputees have learned how to run and I knew I could too. I also knew that I would almost certainly fall a few times. Let me just say for the record - falling isn't fun - it hurts! Plus, I usually don't know I'm going to fall until I'm on the way down. With no feeling in my artificial leg I don't feel if I stub a toe or don't plant my foot on even terrain. I've fallen plenty of times, but I knew that falling while trying to run would really hurt because there would be so much momentum behind me...I had thought right - it did hurt! But the physical pain goes away fast. What hurts far worse is the emotional pain.

So why had I picked this morning to try to run? Last week an old friend from high school sent me a DVD of some random footage of us cheering together. I was so excited to watch it. I had loved cheering. What I wasn't expecting was how it would make me feel to see "the young Katie" - the Katie with two good legs. Sure, I've seen photos of me with two legs but I hadn't watched a video of myself. I hadn't seen myself jump or run or dance. When I turned on the DVD it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I became transfixed with this video; watching it over and over and over again over the last few days. Rationalizing to myself that I was just watching it because I was editing it. I was cutting out extra parts and adding captions, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't stop watching it. I wished I could whisper in young Katie's ear: "Cherish your mobility. Run every chance you get. Dance every time you hear a song that moves you. Keep moving! Keep moving! Keep moving!" But it's just a video and young Katie would probably have just said: "whatever!"

So this morning, after watching the video yet again, I decided I was going to try to run. I felt optimistic. It was early but it was already sunny out. The kids were playing in the yard happily and I felt confident that I could do this. You know the rest... I picked myself up from the cement and just stood there for a minute trying to regroup. This is the point where I usually channel my inner cheerleader: you can do this - keep going - keep smiling - don't give up! But this morning, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find that young Katie inside me. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs: "I WANT MY LEG BACK!" I felt angry at God for letting this happen to me and sad because I knew that no matter how loud I screamed, I would never get my leg back.

Right about now you are probably thinking: "Poor Katie." No. That is not why I wrote this. I know that I am still blessed. I had to sacrifice my leg to live. I'm not going to say it was a small price to pay, but it's a price I'd be willing to pay all over again to have the chance to raise my precious children. So why then do I feel the need to unload all of this on you, my readers? First of all, it is therapeutic for me to write about how I am feeling. But mostly, tonight, I want to tell you to not take your mobility for granted. The next time it you can't find a close parking place in the rain - feel lucky that you can jog across the parking lot. The next time you run up the stairs to fetch something you've forgotten - stop and think about just how easy that was. It is human nature to take things for granted. If I hadn't lost my leg I never would have thought twice about how lucky I was to play tag with my daughter or go to an aerobics class. So I'm asking, for me, try to appreciate the freedom of your unrestricted mobility. As I sit here finishing this up I already feel better. I know that I will run. I'll probably fall a few more times, but in the end, I'll run. Maybe my inner cheerleader isn't gone after all.

Dear President Obama...

A couple of months ago the head coach of my daughter's special needs cheerleading squad had decided that we should try to get an invite to the White House. It would be a fabulous experience for the kids and once again bring awareness to all that our amazing children are capable of doing. So we all sent letters and included pictures of our kids. Here was mine:

Dear President Obama,

Hello. My 5 year old daughter, Jessica, is a member of The American Idols All Star Team, a special needs cheerleading squad that has been invited to WORLDS, a prestigious event that takes place later this month at Disney World with over 30 countries participating. This year they invited three special needs squads – only two are from the United States – and our team is one of them. I am not just a parent but also a coach. I know how hard these children have had to work to receive this invitation…it is truly a dream come true for many of them.

I am writing to you because we want to perform for you! In fact, that is our greatest goal. Please call our head coach, Kathy Catazaro-Perry (XXX-XXX-XXXX), and invite us to the White House to perform for you and Mrs. Obama. This would mean the world to the children.

Thank you for your time Mr. President.

God’s blessings,
Katie Cunion

Pretty clear right? Here is the letter I got back (I scanned it into my computer but this blog couldn't insert the letter as a picture so I cut and pasted the text):

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON

July 1, 2010

Dear Student:

Thank you for your letter. I appreciate hearing from you, and
I am grateful for the opportunity to offer a few words of
encouragement.

Sometimes, we face challenges that seem almost impossible
to overcome. When you find yourself struggling, be reminded of the
founding promise of our Nation - that we as Americans believe all
things are possible for all people. If you dare to be bold and
creative, to love and be loved, to work hard every day, and to serve
your community, I am confident you will achieve your dreams.
Sincerely,
(it wouldn't allow me to copy the signature of President Obama)

What the heck? If you are going to just send a form letter you could at least make sure that it makes sense. First of all, I am not a student. As I stated, I am a parent. Second of all, what is all this mumbo jumbo about offering "a few words of encouragement"...the challenge is that I asked for an invite to the White House. Therefore, YOU, Mr. President, are the current challenge & YOU have the power to help me overcome it by saying: "We'd love to have your squad come to the White House to perform". I wasn't looking for a lesson on overcoming adversity.

You might think I am just mad because he didn't invite us, or because I am an openly conservative Republican, but you'd be wrong. I am mad because this letter shows absolutely no concern for the letter I wrote. I know HE doesn't read these, but his signature is still at the bottom so he is responsible for the knuckle-head that he allows to read and respond to his letters. Very disappointing.

We have since been contacted by his Social Committee after we sent them a video, and they have informed us that they are considering our request to perform for the president. I still want the girls to have this opportunity - but as for me - I don't particularly care whether I get to meet our current Commander In Chief!

Love is NOT blind

Yesterday I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary and it got me thinking about love...imagine that. I thought of the old phrase "love is blind" and how wrong it is. True love, the kind of love that can stand the test of time, isn't blind. If you love someone you really see them - better than anyone else does. You see all their imperfections, know all their dark secrets, and yet you love them anyways. Love isn't easy. You don't just fall in love and instantly you're blind to the fact that they refuse to replace the toilette paper roll, or that they've gained a few pounds. Maybe too many people expect to be "blinded" by love and then can't stand the reality that the person their with isn't perfect. I don't know... just my random thought for the day

Hell is too nice for some people

I kind of don't even know where to start today. If I was talking to you face-to-face you would be able to see the anger and sadness that I am feeling. Most of you have probably heard the horrific story about the mother who murdered her two children with Autism. As you can imagine, this story hits very close to home. Raising two children with Autism is a daily struggle (to put it lightly). There are days when I am so overwhelmed that I can barely push on...but I do. Not for me - not for my husband - but for my two children. You may think I'm heartless but I feel no pity for this woman. NONE! I know there will be parents in the autism community that will try to defend her actions as a cry for help, or excuse it because "no one reached out to her." Sorry...that's crap. The only victims in this story are the two children who stared helplessly at their own mother as she squeezed their last breaths out of them. I can't even imagine what must have been going through their little minds. This is the one person in the world who they were supposed to be able to count on no matter what. The one person who would always love them despite their disability. The one person who was supposed to fight for them with everything in her until they got the help they needed. It may not sound Christian, but hell is too nice for some people.

Autism destroys lives…but it doesn’t have to. As a mother of two young children with Autism, I know how overwhelming the effects of this destructive disorder can be on a family. With the financial pressures caused by expensive therapies and doctors’ visits; the heartbreak of seeing your child exhibit bizarre, frightening, and sometimes dangerous behaviors; the exhaustion of countless nights without sleep; and the paralyzing fear of what the unknown future holds, it is no wonder Autism is strongly associated with child abuse, depression, and divorce. Parents reach a breaking point where they feel completely helpless and filled with despair. Although there is no denying that Autism is devastating, it does not have to ruin lives. There can be a good life after the diagnosis – but it doesn’t come easy.

When you decide to become a mom you are agreeing to love and protect whatever child God gives you. No one ever promised me that I would be given perfect children. No one has ever been promised that. Being a mom is a gift but it is also a lifelong commitment. That child is counting on you to do whatever it takes to meet their needs - no matter what those needs are. So you've been given children with Autism....I agree, it's not fair. You have been given a challenge that a lot of parents will never have to face, but you haven't been given a death sentence. Your life is not over - your child's life is not over.

I am not an expert on all aspects of Autism and I do not pretend to be, but I am an expert on surviving its power to destroy lives. I have been the mom who locked herself in the bathroom and cried, afraid of the future, afraid of the day. But I have learned how to cope with my fears, and how to get on with the job of being a mom. The mother in this story isn't to be pitied - murder is murder. She wasn't sparing her children a life with autism - she was sparing herself a life with autism. She said she wanted normal kids. Who doesn't? I love my chidren with all my heart but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish they didn't have autism. I hate what austim has done to them. I hate how hard they have to work each day when other chidren their ages are out playing. I hate autism - but I LOVE my children.

So, I've ranted on and on long enough. I don't really know what else to say except that my heart breaks for those two children. Not because they had autism, but because they had a mother who was so selfish that she let her own needs outweigh theirs'. We in the autism community need to be outraged by this story. We need to let other mothers of children with autism know that there is a life after the diagnosis, but it is up to them. There is no easy fix for autism. The road ahead will be tough but they are Moms and Moms can't give up...ever!

Innocent Eyes

We've all heard the phrase: "don't judge a book by it's cover" but it's hard, right? We see someone and within seconds we've formulated an opinion about them. For that reason, as a society, we repeat another popular mantra: "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." So what does this say about us as a culture, that we try to live by both standards? I think it just says we are realistically-idealistic (which isn't always a bad thing). We are hopeful that we can take a deeper look at people and not make snap-judgements, but just in case they aren't living by this creed, we think we better be on our "A-Game."

If only we could all see the world through my son's eyes. The poor thing has many challenges ahead of him, but one blessed gift he possesses is the ability to see people for who they are. It doesn't matter what you look like to him. He doesn't care how you are dressed or how many presents you buy him. He isn't impressed with what type of car you drive (although if your car has a DVD player you might score some extra points) or with how much money you make. Will sees the world in terms of how they treat him. If you are kind, he will like you. If you pay attention to him when he needs your help, he will like you. If you treat him like he is special and important, he will like you. That's all it takes. Will judges the world by their actions, nothing more.

There are so many things that I wish I could teach my son, but this is one life-lesson, that he has definitely taught me.

"Lighten up Francis"

I was rereading some of my recent blogs to get an idea for today's post and I thought to myself: "Lighten up, Francis!"

...and that quote got me thinking...

Does today's generation of teens have the same type of shared pop-culture references that mine does? If I say "lighten up Francis" to a peer, it is almost a certainty that they will know that I am quoting the movie Stripes. Or what about if I say "I feel the need...the need for speed?" If you are about my age you are going to know that came from Top Gun. We have a shared reference guide of movies that almost all of us watched repeatedly as kids. It's hard for me to imagine that today's tweens will be able to do this in about 20 years. Movies just aren't the same. Yes, there are amazing action films and romantic comedies, but when was the last time you saw a movie like Breakfast Club? Would today's teens even want to watch it? Maybe I'm just biased but I think the 80's produced some fantastic movies - maybe not by critics standards - but movies that we could relate to. Movies that we wanted to watch over and over again. So, today I am going to share Katie's list of most quotable 80's films...but I'm only going to give you the quote. How many of these can you get before you click on the link? Enjoy!

1. "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"
2. "Ooh. Sexy Girlfriend."
3. "Yeah and your looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn't screwing it up."
4. "I thought this was a party. LET'S DANCE!"
5. "Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, d*ckheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."
6. "Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse."
7. "So, why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?"
8. "I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh?"
9. "You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot."
10. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."

Well...how'd you do? Did I miss any of your favorites? Feel free to share others in the comments section!

Not Funny

Brace yourselves! I am about to climb up onto my soap box and really rant!

...big inhale...

"You're such a retard."

"What, do you ride the short-bus or something?"

We've all heard these types of comments made in jest at the expense of someone who has done something stupid. Everyone laughs, usually even the recipient, like it's a hilarious jab. Our own president even joked on Leno that his bowling was like the special olympics. When did it become o.k. to make fun of those that can't defend themselves? I'll be the first to admit that as a child I probably made such thoughtless comments thinking that I was really dishing a good insult...but then I grew up.

These are real people with real struggles and yet somehow it has become witty for comedians like Bill Maher to make offensive comments like: "Sarah Palin agreed to do commentary at Fox News. Which is actually very similar to her day job - talking to a baby with Down Syndrome." Did I miss the joke? Who actually finds this funny?

Some of you might be reading this thinking - Lighten up Katie...it's just a joke. Take a look at the picture above. That amazing little boy wants nothing more than to be loved. He loves unconditionally. I can't lighten up, because he is counting on me to fight his battles for him. So the next time you want to give someone a good zing...be a little more creative. Don't denigrate someone like my son just because you aren't clever enough to come up with anything original.

In other words, grow up.