BELIEVE in Their Potential

I could see his mouth moving but all I could hear were the same words repeated over and over again in my heard: “mental retardation.” I flew through a series of emotions in rapid succession – confusion, sadness, anger – maybe I had misunderstood him. I stopped him mid-sentence: “Did you just say that Will is mentally retarded?” He confirmed that he had. I fired more questions at him: “Where did you come up with that diagnosis?” He explained to me that during the 20 minute testing session he had done with Will he had acquired an IQ score that placed him in the range of mental retardation. I was furious! I had witnessed this so-called IQ test and it was a joke. He had asked Will questions without first getting his attention and then he had expected verbal responses from my non-verbal son. I left the meeting enraged. This was the school psychologist and this report would now be a part of Will’s permanent file. I won’t sign it, I thought, as I drove home with the report in hand. How dare he assign an IQ to my son after only spending a few minutes with him? What qualifies him to diagnosis my son as being mentally retarded when he isn’t even a doctor? Why can’t he see Will’s tremendous potential?

Sure, I am biased because I am Will’s Mom, but I knew my son wasn’t mentally retarded. Yes, some children with Autism also struggle with mental retardation, but not Will. The next day I had an appointment with Will’s neurologist and I was eager to tell her about the school’s diagnosis. She was equally concerned. First of all, a non-verbal child should be given a Non-Verbal IQ Test (yes, there are a few). Second, this Non-Verbal IQ Test should be administered by someone who has been trained specifically to perform the test. Third, there was no need for the school to assign Will an IQ score. Will’s doctor went on to explain to me that this label could be very dangerous for my son’s academic future. Once a school assigns a student the label of mental retardation they often shift his curriculum to focus more on life skills and less on academics. In other words, Will would be learning how to dress himself and not how to write his name. Even though Will attended a private Autism school, our school district was still involved in developing and approving his IEP (Individual Education Plan) each year. She urged me to demand that this diagnosis be removed from the ETR document before I sign it. To make a long story short…I did…and they did. This story is from my previous district - not my current one.  I think you can see why we weren't too sad to leave them.

But indifferent or incompetent school administrators aren’t the only ones capable of underestimating a child’s potential; sometimes, even loving and devoted parents can allow fear to place road blocks in front of their child’s progress. When Jessica was three-and-a -half, I enrolled her in a YMCA dance class. Since she loved to shake and wiggle with her Sesame Street friends, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for her to participate in an activity with typical peers. I was so excited for her first lesson. She made it about fifteen minutes, which was actually about ten minutes more than she really deserved. She loved dancing, but had no skills to follow directions. She did not even respond to her own name, and chaos ensued as she ran wildly around the small studio. Six months later I thought she was ready to try again. I wanted to sign her up for group swim lessons; confident in her success since we had been working diligently with her teachers and tutors on her “following directions” skills. But Bill was extremely skeptical. He was afraid that she would again be disruptive to the class, and he added that he wasn’t really “in the mood for a setback.” But I persisted. I know that he only wanted to protect her from disappointment, but I explained that I could see her doing well. Like all married couples, we have our disagreements, but they usually end before they start. One of us senses that the other is determined, and in this case, I was very adamant. I knew she could succeed. And she did! I watched her proudly as she sat at the edge of the pool with her typical peers and listened intently to the directions she was given…well, as intently as any four-year-old listens.

Whether you have a child with Autism or not, with 1 in 110 children being diagnosed with Autism we are ALL going to interact with them throughout our lives.  Take a minute and look at that child. Really look at him – not as how he is right now, but how he will be in the future. See him making progress. See him communicating. See him living independently as an adult. We have to believe that these things are going to happen; otherwise, they never will. I know that not all children with Autism are the same nor is their individual potential, but they all have potential for progress. Believe that. When I look at my two children I see very different futures for them, but one very important piece is the same – I see them both advanced far beyond where they are today. I see Will living independently working outdoors with animals. I see Jessica as a highly driven, successful professional who lives by her own terms. I can close my eyes and see their futures and I truly believe it is attainable. Whether my vision will become reality, I can only guess, but I will do all I can to help them meet their potential. I have surrounded them with people who believe in their abilities, people who will push them to achieve, people who support them on the most difficult days, people who see them as happy adults, just as I do. It is very easy to focus on all the deficits these children have: Will isn’t talking; Jessica is overly rigid and non-compliant; but it is important to only let these deficits fuel our drive and determination – don’t let them deter us.

Til Death Do Us Part

I know I'm the worst blogger ever because my posts are so far and few between...sorry.

Republicans and Democrats have always argued and disagreed - that's why they are separate parties.  They have very different core values and beliefs about how our great country should be run.  That, by itself, is not a bad thing.  Through debate new ideas are formed and old ideas are solidified.  Although I am a strong conservative Republican I don't believe that all Democrats are inherently evil.  I don't think they want to ruin our country or destroy the traditional family unit but I do think that some of their beliefs and ideologies would inadvertently do just that.  I know that some of my Democrat friends would say the exact same thing about me.  This has been the case for as long as we have had a two party system (sorry but I only count the two parties since there are the only REAL options). 

For some reason people have their panties all in a bunch lately about this debate.  There is fear that our differences are tearing us apart as a country.  I would totally disagree.  I think that people on both sides are angry and scared about the the same thing - the state of our great nation.  People need jobs.  People are scared about our national debt.  Money problems are the biggest strain on a relationship.  Let's look at marriage.  Most couples who are struggling financially will also tell you that they are feeling a strain on their marriage.  Money problems make us feel insecure, angry, and resentful.  We place blame where there is none.  As money gets tighter our fears and feelings of despair increase.  As a couple we fight more - and talk less.  Tempers are short and some marriages just can't withstand the strain.  Now think of our country.  If money problems can destroy what is supposed to be the most sacred of unions, what makes us think that our societal relationship isn't going to suffer when we are struggling financially as a nation?  Again, our tempers are high and we place blame where sometimes there is none.  But, just as strong marriages can withstand this strain, so too can our strong country.  We will get through this.  We may disagree on how we are going to get through this, but I have faith that we will.

So, there is always going to be debate between the two parties and there are always going to be "wackos" who do horrible things in the name of party loyalty - that's a given.  (To continue the analogy, there will always be a handful of people who kill their spouses - it doesn't mean that marriage itself is in a state of crisis.) Right now, I think we need to acknowledge that we are suffering as a nation.  We are scared about the future and this fear makes our debates even more passionate.  Republicans believe strongly that they know how to save this great nation - I would agree with them.  Democrats believe strongly that they know how to save this great nation - I have friends who would agree with them.  We have to keep trying.  We must stay passionate about finding solutions. The most important thing of all is to save this marriage.

More than just a Grandpa

When I was a small child we would go over my grandparents house and play.  At the time we lived in the same town, LaPorte, Indiana and my Mom's parents lived out in the country on several acres of land.  As a kid I never really noticed that the place was "run down" or unkept; all I knew was that I loved going out there because there was always kittens or puppies in one of the out-buildings and there were tons of abandoned cars and trucks out back to play in.  As an adult I realize that it was really a kind of junk-yard but as a kid you don't really notice those kinds of things.  As a kid, I thought that was pretty awesome.  All I knew about my Grandpa at that point was that he was always there in a pair of dirty work pants and a white t-shirt working on something in the big garage out back.  He was a bit rough but I loved that he would let me go get him a PBR from the fridge and sometimes, if Mom wasn't around, he'd even let me have the first sip.  He was just "Grandpa" and that's all I knew. 

When I was in 3rd grade we moved to Wisconsin and then to Iowa and on and on.  Our visits to LaPorte became far and few between and my relationship with my Grandpa, since he never came with Grandma when she drove to visit us, became non-existent.  We lost my Grandma when I was in college and my Mom and Grandpa had a falling out.  I won't go into the personal family details because it isn't important.  They reconciled a few years ago and I got the chance to see my Grandpa once or twice when I visited my Aunts in LaPorte.  By then he was a old man - still rough around the edges but what can I say, he was still just "Grandpa." 

Walter Becker - Grandpa - passed away peacefully in his sleep last week.  When I read the bio that my Aunt wrote about him I was stunned.  I had heard a little bit about his time in the military and knew that he had been a POW but I didn't really know the whole story.  I guess he was more than just a "Grandpa" after all...

Walter Becker was born in Cismar, Germany and came to America with his parents when he was about 1 years old. He grew up in Chicago and when he was about 17 he and his family moved to a farm in Hamlet, Indiana. As a young boy in Chicago he learned to play the drums and was a part of the Drum and Bugle Corps for years. He continued to enjoy playing the drums as an adult when he participated in a Senior Citizen’s Band. He often shared these memories with his grandson Steven, who is carrying on his fondness for playing the drums.

He and his late wife Maryalice were married for 47 years and raised 7 children. They were both active members of Tracy Immanuel Lutheran Church. As an involved member of the community he was a Boy Scout leader, a member of the Lion’s club, and one of his proudest memories, over 45 years of continued service to the Kingsbury Volunteer Fire Department.

As a WWII POW vet he was a lifetime member of the American Legion.

He, his sister Clara, and their brother Bill all served their country during WWII. Walter received numerous citations for "exceptionally meritorious conduct" as well as a purple heart for his services as a radio operator, maintaining communication with his commanding officer while under cross fire of 3 enemy machine guns allowing their patrol to advance aggressively across open terrain to obtain valuable information. He was wounded, captured, and sent to a German prison camp.

He was very proud of his service to his country and shared his stories with his family of his time in the war and his 18 months as a POW. He saw a sign in the prison camp asking for volunteer prisoners to go to a prison work farm and he convinced his 4 "city" buddies to go with him as he told them "it’s a farm we will be able to get food there" as they had none at the time. When he arrived at the prison farm there were 70 other prisoners there who were weak and sick as they had not been able to eat. The man who was in charge of running the farm had been sent to fight in the war and no one was left who knew how to care for the farm. Walter quickly repaired the tractors, mowed the hay so they could feed the cows, and showed them how to dig up the crops that were in the field. He survived 18 months as a POW and when the day came for them to leave the camp he was placed by the German guards at the front of the line and he led the march with his 70 fellow prisoners across Germany to LaHarve, France not knowing where they were going. When they arrived there they were given mattresses to sleep on for the first time in 2 years, a real meal, and then as he looked up from his food he stood up at attention bringing the other 70 men to their feet at the site of General Eisenhower who was there to thank them for their sacrifice for their country and to inform them that the war was over for them and that they were finally going home.

While he was committed to serving his country and his community, his life was spent providing and caring for his family as an excavator and eventually owner/operator of Becker Excavating. He will be remembered as a loving husband, father, and grandfather.

(written by Mary Becker "Aunt TT")

Rest in peace Grandpa


*Katie, my Mom, Will, and Grandpa

More than a day of eating turkey

The other morning I was driving Jessica to Kindergarten and I asked her: "What holiday do we celebrate in November?"  She quickly answered: "Thanksgiving."  I started to explain that Thanksgiving is about more than just turkey and Mommy's yummy noodles - it is about being thankful for all that we have in our lives.  I went on to say that I am thankful for my family.  She quickly jumped in: "I'm thankful for my family too, and my friends, and my school, and Mrs. G, and my books, and my toys, and Jesus, and my dog, and my ...." and the list went on until we reached her school.  I've been thinking about those few minutes since then and wondering how we lose that innocent appreciation for all the blessings we have in our lives.  She was so genuine in creating that list and, more importantly, she didn't have to struggle to find things to list.  It was like she was looking at her life and listing everything that was a part of it as a blessing to be thankful for. 


As we head into the holidays most of us are filled with a mixture of feelings.  We are excited about seeing family and friends but we dread the logistics of fitting it all into the limited time that most of  us have.  We are excited about holiday parties and gift exchanges, but we are stressed about the financial burdens that they can cause.  But some people don't have a mixture of feelings as they head into this wonderful time of year.  Sadly, there are many people among us who can only feel despair.  Earlier this month I learned about a local family who is heading into this amazing holiday season completely devastated by tragedy.  In this family, the wife and mother of six young children, just lost a very sudden battle with cancer.  That poor man...those poor children.  I'm sure creating a list of things to be thankful for would be a little difficult for them right now. 


I'm not trying to be a downer - quite the opposite.  I just want everyone to take a pause as they head into this hectic holiday season and look around them.  Try to see your life with the innocent eyes of a child.  See your family as a blessing; see your friends as a priceless treasure ; see your home, car, clothes, and "toys" as true gifts.  I received an email yesterday from the head coach of Jessica's special needs cheerleading squad.  She is an amazing woman.  She has a young daughter with special needs and just adopted Anthony, a little boy from China. Here is what she wrote: 

"I would like to share what I am thankful for this year on Thanksgiving. I am thankful first for God and our country, we are so fortunate to live in the Unites States of America. God has blessed me and my family in so many ways and I look to him to guide my life. I am thankful for my family who makes me want to work so hard for them and make them happy and safe every day, they make me smile and fill my heart with joy. I am thankful for the new addition to our family. Anthony has already made a difference in all of our lives and I pray we make a difference in his. I am thankful for my team and my coaches and parents. You all inspire me everyday with your attitudes, patience and support! I am thankful for the Golden Key who has already made a difference and improved children's lives and accepted and included and loved them no matter what their disability. I am thankful for all of my friends who I don't get to say it enough but I love you and appreciate you very much as you put up with me pushing you to make the world a better place. I am thankful for American Elite as the gym welcomed our team with open arms and we are now in our 5th year.  I would like to ask you to also write down and email to all what you are thankful for! It really makes your heart smile when you realize just how lucky we are and how blessed we are!" (Coach Kathy)

I wasn't the only one who thought her email was inspiring...the responses started pouring in.  I'll share mine:

"Sadly, for each and every one of us, our lives are filled with challenges.  Some have more than others but none of us is given a free pass from life's struggles.  It can be so easy to become so overwhelmed with these obstacles that we lose sight of the many blessings that each and every one of us has in our lives.  God is good.  He doesn't promise to give us an easy life but he is always there when we need to renew our strength.  I am thankful for Kathy and the impact she has made on my life.  She is a true example of how a Christian should live.  Her generosity is endless and her leadership is inspiring.  I am thankful for my country where children like ours have a chance at a meaningful and productive life.  I am thankful for the men and women who give their lives to protect this great country of ours and I acknowledge the sacrifice that their entire families are making so that my family can be safe.  I am thankful I have a husband who continues to make me feel beautiful even on my most exhausted days.  I am thankful for my children who fill my life with immeasurable joy.  I am thankful for my parents and siblings whose support has made my life more manageable.  I am thankful for all the doctors, therapists, and tutors who work so hard to help my children reach their potential.  I am thankful.  I am thankful.  I am thankful.  I am thankful for all the countless blessings that I have.  Happy Thanksgiving." (Katie Cunion)

I encourage you to follow Kathy's lead and share what you are thankful for.  You can post it as a comment to this blog.  When you stop and really think about your life, you might be surprised just how many things you have to be thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I want to kiss you!

Last week I had to take Will to cheerleading practice with me and Jessica.  Bill had a late meeting on campus and was unable to do our usual "hand-off" at the gym.  Will was surprisingly good.  It was a little loud for him so he plugged his ears but he was obedient and followed my directions to sit nicely.  We had just finished our opening stretches and Will was on the mat with us.  A young girl on the squad - who is about 2 years older than Will and has always reminded me of him with her self-absorbed stares, difficulty following directions, and lack of social interaction - came over to us and smiled sweetly at my little man. "Is this your boy" she asked?  I'd been an assistant coach for over a year now and had never heard her say more than a few words so this interaction surprised me.  "Yes, his name is Will.  Say 'hi' Will." "Hi."  Again she smiled sweetly at him and it hit me...she thinks he's cute. 

Throughout the rest of practice she would periodically "show up" beside us with a smile but as practice was ending she came over and squatted down beside him and said: "I want to kiss you."  I smiled at her and said: "O.K. sweetie - that is very nice but no kissing at cheerleading practise, O.K?.  Say goodbye to Will and maybe you'll see him at another practice."

What a sweet story, right?  But it has stuck with me for over a week now.  We had practice again last night and I didn't take Will this time.  I found myself watching this girl and wondering, will she ever find someone that will love her despite her disabilities?  What about Will?  He is the kindest, most loving individual I have ever met in my entire life.  He has the purest heart with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives.   Will he ever find someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved?  Someone who will help take care of him and look after him.  There is so much that we parents of special needs children have to worry about on a daily basis that I don't think we really focus too much thought on our children's future love-life, but after last week's practice it's been chewing away at my brain.  I think about all that I have been able to experience in my life: my first kiss, going to the prom, hearing "I love you," getting married, having children... and I wonder, Will my children experience those things.  I'm pretty sure Jessica will.  Holy Cow - you have to try to distract that child from her love of boys and she's only 5!  But will she be a target with her beautiful face and strong desire to be liked?  Will I be able to make her understand what is appropriate "interactions" between boys and girls and what isn't?  Will I be able to protect her?

But my fears for Will somehow seem scarier.  I guess because I have always been afraid to be alone and therefore, never have been.  The thought of him being alone someday seems unimaginable.  But he's not me.  Maybe he'll never have the desire for that type of a relationship in his life.  Or maybe he'll meet someone who will see him for who he really is - a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.   I might be a little biased but I think he's a good catch!