I really must be the worst blogger ever because I post so infrequently. Today's post isn't earth-shattering...just something small and trivial weighing on my mind, but here goes...
I was cleaning out my wallet last night and taking a good look at my driver's license. I was thinking about how different I looked in my picture with my long "blond" hair when I noticed the expiration date on the card...February 24, 2012. Oh, no. My license expires this year! Naturally the first thing that came to mind was my lack of hair. They won't normally let you get your picture taken with a hat on...what about a scarf? Surely they won't make me pose bald. I don't own a wig because they are hot and itchy. And what am I supposed to put for hair color? I have no idea what color my hair will be when it finally grows back in some day. What do they do for bald men? Write "none" for hair color? Or do they actually write "bald." I know this all sounds so trivial but I show my license all the time. All my cards say "ask for ID." I can lie about my weight, I can lie about my hair color if it is dyed, but pictures don't lie.
Who cares...I know...but I care. Not because I am vain but because it is just another reminder that I'm not healthy. I try so hard, every day to keep a grasp on the "normalcy" of my life. I try to take care of my kids, to continue taking them to their activities, and play with them when they want attention. I try to cook and take care of my husband as best I can. I still go to work each day and try to remain upbeat for the children I help teach. I try, even on my sickest days, to still look my best despite my lack of hair and swelling. I try to not let Cancer run my life. I don't want it to own me. The license is just another ugly reminder that Cancer is all too real in my life. An ugly reminder that I might die. No one wants to say it out loud but we are all thinking it...this cancer could kill me. I am optimistic that it won't...but there are no guarantees. I don't need another constant reminder of this unknown.
So, yes. I am more than a little annoyed by the timing of the expiration of my license. Maybe I should go get a sexy red-head wig just for the photo. Who knows, maybe then the next time my license goes to expire I will be annoyed, not because I still don't have hair, but because my real hair isn't nearly as great as my "red-head" days.