Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Real Strength

Even though I am the eternal optimist, I still have bad days. Today is one of those days. I've always been the kind of person who is really good at expressing joy, excitement, know, the "happy" feelings, but not so good with fear, depression, despair...the "sad" feelings. Because of this, most people who meet me probably think: "wow, you are so strong - you are always so positive." News flash - I'm not. Today's entry is going to be short and to the point: being strong doesn't mean never admitting that life is hard. It doesn't make you weak to admit that you need help or to let yourself cry when you're feeling overwhelmed. Real strength is admitting that you are terrified of what lies ahead and yet still pushing on. So, let me take my own advice and admit: today I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad about my children's struggles; angry about my own physical limitations; and frightened about the unknown future of my family because of all these obstacles. Today is not a good day - but I am optimistic about tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you, and I second it. Not a great day here, either. I have to go to Walmart to get pull-ups today. I would rather eat dirt.

    I get SO tired of the stares & stupid comments. SO tired. I want to scream at people to mind their own business and keep their judgements to themselves. I want them to stop staring at his hand flapping and humming, and to quit calling him a spoiled brat when he's crying becasue this time we didn't stop to see the fish in the pet department.

    I get the "you're so strong" thing often, and I want everyone to know that I'm not any stronger than they are. I cry. I hurt. I grieve for the dream of the "normal" little boy that didn't occur for us. I feel ashamed of my back weakness when I have to ask Ivan to help me with Owen, or because I can't jump with him right now. I feel bad for Emma, who got robbed of a "normal" sibling relationship, and has to put things on hold- often- for her brother's sake.

    But then Emma tells me I'm the best Mom in the world, and Owen sings "Twinkle, Twinkle" for me, which was SO beyond him last summer... and he runs up from behind me and gives me a hug, and I feel.... abundantly blessed, and right where I should be, and just...better. :)

    I get it.