Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Feeling like a dud

Brace yourself because this blog is a bit heavy...

So I'm in a little bit of a funk these days. We all have those times when we aren't mad or sad necessarily, but we're also not totally happy...what is it? What has brought this mood on and why won't it leave? For me, being in a funk is torture. I thrive on being happy and optimistic and all that Mary Poppins mumbo jumbo. I can usually John Wayne my way through any bad mood - I just suck it up and power through until I'm back to my usual happy self. I've been trying to analyze myself. I started thinking: is it the gray, winter weather? or is it because I need to exercise? Maybe I miss having a social life or maybe I'm just tired.

The truth is - it's probably all of those and then some. I'll be 35 next month. I'm not one of those people who freaks out about getting older because I know that each birthday is a gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. But birthdays always cause me to reflect on where I'm at in life compared to where I thought I'd be...and this year, it just isn't measuring up. Today, instead of feeling like a vibrant, interesting, young mother of two I feel like a run-down woman with nothing of interest to offer the world besides being someone's Mom. I know that sounds horrible...I LOVE being a Mom. It is my greatest accomplishment and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but is that all I am? Am I just Will & Jessica's Mom? There are so many things that I use to be that I'm not any more. I use to be so passionate about horseback riding - leaving work and rushing out to the barn to ride before coming home to make dinner for Bill. I use to be so social - going out with girlfriends and cutting loose. I use to exercise all the time - a true endorphin junky. I use to feel like a woman and not just a Mom...someone interesting and fun to be around. What happened?

Reasonable Katie knows...life happened. Being a good Mom has always been my priority. I pride myself on putting my kids' needs first and with that comes sacrifice. There are only so many hours in the day and only so much money - after you take out the time and money needed for the children there just isn't any left for frivolous things like expensive hobbies or active social lives. That's just the way it is and 99% of the time I am totally o.k. with that sacrifice. The past few days happen to be that other 1% of the time. Not sure what brought it all on - why do I feel so uninteresting - but I know this mood won't last. But for today I think I need to channel my inner Stuart Smalley instead of my inner John Wayne, and remind myself that: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" We'll see if that helps.


  1. How a beautiful inside & out person like you could ever consider herself "just" anything amazes me...

    Dearheart, you are a TOTAL phoenix! God has thrown SO much at you this last decade and you have faced it with faith, poise, and grace. YOU have risen from the ashes of each of those trials stronger, and more beautiful, than the time before. Don't you forget it.

    Call yourself a "just" one more time and see how long it takes me to get up there and annoy you out of this funk. ;)

    I love you. ♥ -Nora

  2. Plus, you're a smokin' hottie.

  3. You better listen to this: